A mortician is finishing up the last body of the day when he notices something extraordinary. He looks down and says to himself, “Well, Mr. Shecky Goldstein… you clearly have the largest penis I have ever seen. I’m going to have to take a picture of this and show my wife.” He takes the photo, finishes his work, and goes home. As soon as he sees his wife, he pulls out his phone and shows her the photo. She looks at it, turns pale, and cries out: “OH MY GOD! SHECKY GOLDSTEIN IS DEAD!”

A guy is driving around town and sees a sign in front of a house: "Talking Dog For Sale." The thinks, "This I have to see." So he rings the bell. The owner appears and tells the guy the dog is in the back yard. The guy goes into the back yard and sees a nice looking Labrador retriever sitting there chained to his little house. "You talk?" the guy asks. "Yep," the dog replies. "Wow!" says the guy. "So, what's your story?" The dog says, "Well, I discovered that I could talk when I was pretty young. I wanted to help the government, so I told the CIA. In no time at all they had me jetting from country to country, sitting in rooms with spies and world leaders, because no one figured a dog would be eavesdropping." "I was one of their most valuable spies for eight years running ... But the jetting around really tired me out, and I knew I wasn't getting any younger so I decided to settle down. I signed up for a job at the airport to do some undercover security, wandering near suspicious characters and listening in. I uncovered some incredible dealings and was awarded a batch of medals." "Then I got married, had a mess of puppies, most of whom can talk and are helping to keep the country safe. Now I'm just retired." The guy is amazed. He goes back in and asks the owner what he wants for the dog. "Ten dollars," the owner says. "Ten dollars?" the guy says. "That dog is amazing! Why on earth are you selling him so cheap?" And the owner says, "Because he's full of shit. He's never been out of the yard."

On her fifth attempt, she was determined to pass. But the test contained the same question: “You are driving at 60mph. On your right is a wall, and on your left is a cliff. On the road ahead, you see an old man and a young man. What do you hit?” The woman walked up to the examiner and said, “I’ve answered this question four different ways: the wall, the cliff, the old man, and the young man. And I failed every time! How is that possible? What am I supposed to hit?” The examiner replied, “The brakes!”

I yelled at my girlfriend, "If you continue stealing my cooking utensils, I'll move out!" She just laughed and said... "That's a whisk I'm willing to take!" She handed me a pan and said, "Fine, wok away, see you ladle! It’s time for us to fork off!"

The first one tells her friends, "My son is a priest. When he walks into a room, everyone calls him "Father." The second Catholic women chirps, "Well, my son is a Bishop. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Grace." The third Catholic woman says smugly, "Well, not to put you down, but my son is a cardinal. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "Your Eminence." The fourth Catholic women sips her coffee in silence. The first three women give her a subtle "Well...?" She replies, "My son is a charismatic, 6'2", hard-bodied male stripper. Whenever he walks into a room, people say, "My God."

A young artist is exhibiting his work for the first time, and a well-known art critic is in attendance. The critic says to the young artist, "would you like my opinion on your work?" "Yes, of course," says the artist. "It's worthless," says the critic. "I know," says the artist, "But I'd like to hear it anyway."

An officer finds a car parked on Lover’s Lane He walks up and shines his flashlight on the back seat to see a young lady scrolling on her phone. He then shines his light on the front seat to see a young man scrolling on his phone. Both are fully dressed. The startled young man quickly rolls his window down and asks the officer “Is there anything I can help you with”? Officer: “You can start by telling me your age”. Young man: “I’m 21 sir”. Officer: “And the young lady”? Young man: Looks at watch “She’ll be 18 in about ten minutes”!

A man arrives home and says to his wife: "What would you do if I told you I had a winning lottery ticket?" She replies, "Honestly? I would take my half and leave you." "Great!" says the man, and hands her $10. "Here's your half. Now pack your bags."

A rabbi and a priest get into a car accident and it's a bad one. Both cars are totally demolished, but, amazingly, neither of the clerics is hurt. After they crawl out of their cars, the rabbi sees the priest's collar and says, "So you're a priest. I'm a rabbi. Just look at our cars. There's nothing left, but we are unhurt. This must be a sign from God. God must have meant that we should meet and be friends and live together in peace the rest of our days." The priest replies, "I agree with you completely. This must be a sign from God." The rabbi continues, "And look at this. Here's another miracle. My car is completely demolished but this bottle of Mogen David wine didn't break. Surely God wants us to drink this wine and celebrate our good fortune." Then he hands the bottle to the priest. The priest agrees, takes a few big swigs, and hands the bottle back to the rabbi. The rabbi takes the bottle, immediately puts the cap on, and hands it back to the priest. The priest asks, "Aren't you having any?" The rabbi replies, "No...l think I'll wait for the police."

Sally’s husband had been away on a secret three-year military deployment and was finally coming home today. Their son saw him heading up the sidewalk and cried out “Mom - daddy’s walking to the door and he has a Purple Heart on!” Sally said, “I don’t care what color it is. Run over to the neighbor’s and stay there for a few hours!”

Henry called his wife from work one Friday afternoon and said, "Lorraine, honey, I'm flying up north with my boss and a few friends for a weekend fishing trip. Please pack me enough clothes for three days." Without giving her a chance to respond, he continued, "Also pack my fishing rod, tackle box, and my new blue silk pajamas. I'll stop by the house after work to pick everything up." Lorraine thought the pajama request was a little strange, but she packed everything as asked. Henry stopped by for his stuff, kissed Lorraine and the kids goodbye, and took off. After the weekend, Henry returned home. Lorraine asked him if he had caught many fish. "Sure did!" he replied. “Lots of Walleye, a few Bass, and some Pike. But why didn't you pack my blue silk pajamas like I asked?" Lorraine smiled and told him, “I did. They’re in your tackle box."

His brother went to a job interview, Manager: “this is an impressive resume, but what were you doing during this 4 year gap? “ Brother: “I went to Yale” Manager: “Well, in that case, you’re hired!” Brother: “Thank you! I really need this yob”.

Two communists are sitting together at a nudist colony One turns to the other and asks “have you read Marx?” The second replies “Yes, it’s these damn wicker chairs!”

A man wants to put money in a Swiss bank "How much do you want to deposit?" asks the bank employee. Whispers the man, "Three million." "You can speak up," says the bank clerk. "In Switzerland, poverty is not a disgrace."

A man went to the hospital to visit his mother-in-law, who was in serious condition. When he gets home his wife asks, "Well? How is she doing?" He says, "Apparently she's doing great. She's gonna get out of the hospital and live with us for decades." "Amazing!" says the wife. "But... I don't understand. Yesterday the doctor said she only had a few days to live!" And the husband says, "Well, I don't know about yesterday, but today the doctor told me to prepare for the worst."

One rainy night, a taxi driver spots an arm waving from the shadows of an alley down the block. As he rolls to a stop at the curb, a figure leaps into the cab and slams the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulls away, he is startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman in the back seat. "Where to?" he stammers. "Union Station," says the woman. "You got it," he says, taking another long glance in the mirror. The woman catches him staring at her and asks, "Just what the hell are you looking at, driver?" "Well, lady, I noticed that you're completely naked, and I was just wondering how you're gonna pay your fare." The woman spreads her legs, puts her feet up on the front seat, smiles at the driver and says, "Does this answer your question?" Still looking in the mirror, the cabbie asks, "Uh, got anything smaller?"

An elderly man is on his deathbed. With his sight failing, he turns to the doctor and asks, "Is my wife here?" The doctor assures him she is. "And my sons, my beautiful sons, are they here?" "They are." "What about my sister?" Consoling the poor man, the doctor tells him, "Don't worry, she's here, along with your brother-in-law. Just relax and don't worry about anything. Your entire family is at your side." The old man's head sinks back into his pillow, he closes his eyes, and says, "If everyone is here ... why is the light on in the kitchen?"

I broke up with a girl once because she lied about her weight. I say that, she died in a bungee jumping accident.

Some say it do be arrrrrrrrrr. Some say it do be the C. But a pirate’s true favorite letter do be the Letter of Marque (often called a letter of marque and reprisal), which was an official government license during the Age of Sail. It allowed the captain of a privately owned ship, including a pirate, to attack, sink, or capture enemy ships and goods during a war. Because they had state permission, privateers were legal combatants under maritime law, unlike captains who stole for themselves without any official authorization.

It's the 15th century. An army is besieging a castle. They fire the bombard, and a huge cannonball flies straight into the castle, smashing one of the towers. A few moments later, a great bang sounds from the castle, and a cannonball flies right into the besiegers' camp. Again, the besieging army fires at the castle. Part of the castle wall crumbles, but the defenders soon fire back at the enemy. Several tents and fortifications are hit and destroyed in the siege camp, but the soldiers relentlessly reload the bombard. Explosion. Thick smoke. The castle is hit again. And then there is complete silence. A minute. Two. Ten. Twenty... Nothing happens. After some more time, a single soldier appears on the castle battlements. "Why aren't you firing?" he shouts. "The ball is on your side!"

I got talking to a guy with a heavy Russian accent, and he told me he used to work for the KGB. I said "Wow, you must have some amazing stories!" He said "About me, or about you?"

Three construction workers—a Chinese man, a Mexican man, and a white man—are perched on a high steel beam, settling in for their daily lunch break. The Chinese man opens his lunchbox and throws his hands up. "Fried rice! Again?! Every single day, it's fried rice. I swear, if I get this tomorrow, I'm jumping off this beam." The Mexican man opens his, sighs deeply, and says, "Another burrito. I can't take it anymore. If I get one more, I'll be right behind you." The white man opens his, scowls at the contents, and mutters, "Tuna sandwich. Same as always. Make that three of us if I see this again." The next day arrives. The Chinese man opens his lunch—fried rice. True to his word, he leaps. The Mexican man finds his burrito and follows suit. The white man sees his tuna sandwich and jumps too. At the joint funeral, the widows are devastated. The Chinese widow sobs, "I had no idea he was so tired of it! If he'd only said something, I would have made him anything else." The Mexican widow wails, "He never told me either! I feel awful." All eyes turn to the white widow. She looks around at the expectant faces, gives a casual shrug, and says flatly: "Well, don't look at me. He packed his own lunch."

A middle-aged man sat on the edge of the bed, watching his wife study herself in the mirror. "Your birthday's coming up," he said. "What do you want?" She sighed. "I want to be twelve again." On the morning of her birthday, he got up early, made her a big bowl of Cocoa Puffs, and took her to the theme park. The Death Slide. The Corkscrew. The Wall of Fear. The Screaming Monster Roller Coaster. Everything. Five hours later they staggered out, her head spinning and her stomach somewhere behind them. Next stop: a diner, where he ordered her a half-pound bacon cheeseburger, a mountain of fries, and an extra-large milkshake. Then the movies — popcorn, a giant Coke, and a full tray of M&Ms, Nonpareils, and Gushers. By the time they wobbled through the front door, she could barely stand. He helped her into bed, grinning. "So," he said, "I bet you didn't do that when you were twelve!" She cracked one eye open. "Twelve?? I meant my dress size, you idiot."

A man with no toes starts dating a ballerina. On their first night together, she won't stop talking about toes. “My last boyfriend had six toes on each foot. Congenital condition. Twelve toes total. Most toes I've ever seen.” The guy just nods. She continues, “And the guy before him? Six-inch toes. Every single one. Longest toes I've ever seen.” Then she looks down at his feet, still covered by socks. “I wonder what yours look like.” The man knows this could be a dealbreaker. So he says, “I'll show you in the morning. Tonight, let's just focus on loving each other.” The next morning, as promised, he takes off his socks. The ballerina looks down, sees his completely toeless feet, and shits her pants. Turns out… She was lack‑toes intolerant.

A postman is retiring after 30 years on the job. He’s walking slowly, putting mail into the slots of the houses on his route. After he puts some mail through a slot on a nice big house, he hears the door open. He turns around, and there’s a lady standing there in a négligée. She takes him by the hand, leads him upstairs, and they make love for an hour. Then she takes him downstairs. She feeds him a nice big breakfast, and as he’s walking out the front door onto the porch, she hands him an envelope. He opens it and finds a $20 bill inside. He says, "Lady, I’ve been a postman for 30 years. Nothing like this has ever happened to me before. What’s going on?" The lady says, "I told my husband last night that you were retiring and maybe we should do something nice for you. He said, 'Fuck him, give him $20 bucks.' The breakfast was my idea."

The most symbolic flag is the blank white flag of surrender Because the designer who was supposed to put something on it just gave up

Why did the rhino break his phone? The instructions told him to charge it.

I asked a surly Dutch shopkeeper if he sold clogs. He said, "Oh, you'd like that, wooden shoe?"

Where do people who like to correct others get their water from? A well, actually.

My son wanted some girl advice, so I told him, “If you're intimidated by a date, remember one thing...” "They’re just big raisins."

A guy who stuttered died in prison before he could even finish his sentence

A guy walks into a bar, takes a seat, and asks for a Gin and Tonic. The barkeep hands him a light green apple and tells him to try it. The man takes a bite, and notices it tastes like gin. The barkeep then tells him to turn it around, and the man takes a bite, saying it tastes like Tonic. A lady walks in and orders a rum and coke. The barkeep hands her a red apple, and tells her to try it. Confused, she takes a bite, and notices it tastes like rum. He then tells her to try the other side, and she says it tastes just like coke. A third man walks in but can't decide what he wants. Both patrons tell him that the bar has a magic apple for whatever flavor. Curious, he asks the barkeep if he has an apple that tastes like pussy. The barkeep gives him a look before digging around under the bar, pulling a pink apple that looks almost like a peach. The man takes a bite, and immediately spits it out, yelling it tastes like shit The barkeep replies: Turn it around

The younger man asks the older man for the time, but the older man ignores him. After a while, the younger man again asks for the time and again the older man ignores him. Frustrated, the younger man finally asks, “Why won’t you answer me when I ask you for the time?” The older man sighs and explains: “Look, if I tell you the time, we’ll start to talk. Then when the train comes, you might sit down next to me. Perhaps we’ll get to know each other, and maybe I’ll eventually invite you to my house for dinner to meet my daughter. Maybe then you and her would really get along. You might even date then get engaged. And why would I want a son-in-law who can’t even afford a watch?”

A young man visits his girlfriend's house and meets her parents for the first time. He feels a massive urge to pass gas, so he lets a small, quiet one out. The father immediately yells, "Rover!" Thinking the dog took the blame, the man feels bold and lets out a second, louder rip.The father glares and shouts again, "ROVER!" Encouraged that his secret is safe, the man lets loose a massive, loud, stinky blast. The father yells, "ROVER, GET OUTTA THERE BEFORE HE SHITS ALL OVER YOU!"

so I secretly arranged it... Come the big day though, and you wouldn't have known it from the look on her face as we were bouncing around.

They become separated in a department store and after a while the father finds his son staring at a strange pair of doors that gleam like mirrors. The son turns to his father and says "Father, what is this thing?". "I do not know," says the father. "I have never seen anything like it in my life." Just then an elderly woman hobbles up to the doors, presses a button, and a few moments later the doors open and she steps through into a tiny room. The doors close, there is a soft chime, and some glowing numbers above the door begin counting up from one to ten. Then after a short delay they begin counting down again, there is another soft chime, the doors open, and a stunningly attractive young blonde steps out of the tiny room. The Amish father and son stand there in open-mouthed silence for half a minute. Then, with his eyes still riveted on the gleaming doors, the father nudges his son in the ribs and croaks, "Go and get your mother."

An engineer dies and goes to Hell. He's hot and miserable, so he decides to take action. He constructs an air conditioning system to cool things off. The escalator to is broken so he takes it apart and repairs the damage so he doesn't have to walk up the stairs. Worst of all the Wi-Fi is down so he decides to reconfigure the router so he can stream his favorite shows. One day, God decides to look down on Hell to see how his grand design is working out and notices that everyone is happy so he asks the Devil what's up? The Devil says, "Things are great down here since you sent us an engineer, we have A/C, Wi-Fi, & the escalator is fixed." "What?" says God. "An engineer? I didn't send you one of those. That must have been a mistake. Send him back to Heaven immediately." The Devil responds, "No way. We want to keep our engineer. We like him, he's made everything so much more comfortable." God demands, "If you don't send him back to me immediately, I'll sue!" The Devil laughs. "And where are you going to find a lawyer?"

Dear Dad, Berlin is wonderful, people are nice and I really like it here, but Dad, I am ashamed to arrive at my college with my limited edition, custom pure-gold Ferrari F80 when all my teachers and many fellow students travel by train. Your son, Nasser The next day, his dad replied: Dear Son, Twenty-five million dollars has just been transferred to your account. Please stop embarrassing us. Go and get yourself a train too.

Seeing that he is locked in a cage with no way out, he says to himself “Oh God, I’m so screwed!” Just then, a light shines down upon the man and he hears the voice of God and God says “No, your situation may be dire, but you are not screwed. In two hours they will come and take you out of this cage. As you walk with them. A sparrow will fly overhead. As soon as you see it, run as fast as you can to the left. The first man you see will be their leader. Kick him as hard as you possibly can right in the balls.” At first the man thinks he’s gone mad, but exactly two hours later the cannibals take him out of the cage as promised. When a sparrow flies overhead his head, the man knows what must be done. He runs to the left and does as instructed, using all of his strength to kick the leader in his balls as hard as humanly possible. As the leader drops to his knees in pain, the light shines back down upon the man once more and he heard the voice of God again and God says “NOW you’re screwed!”

A blonde goes to the counter and says: "I'd like to order fries and a coke." The man at the counter says: "Madam, this is a library." The blonde whispers: "I'd like to order fries and a coke."

So everyone in the bar, except the bartender, ran outside in excitement. The bartender, visibly angry, yells at the man “what the hell did you do that for? Now i have no customers!!” The man says “Sorry mister, i honestly didnt fink any of those men would be brave enough to fight a grizzly beer, let alone free of them”

My son asked if he could stop sharing a bedroom with his little brother. I told him there's no room for mistakes.

Scientists are trying to cross cheetah and crab genes This could go sideways really fast.

go to the Louvre and are admiring Michelangelo’s painting of Adam and Eve. Looking at the painting, the Brit says, “look how reserved and calm they look. They are obviously British.” The Frenchman says, “no no non, they are beautiful, naked and free. They are obviously French.” The Russian says, “nah, they are Russian; they are naked, cold, have one apple to eat between them, and have been told they are in Paradise.”

After a few holes, one guest said "That foursome ahead of us is really slow. They're all over the fairway, they're in the rough, four-putting holes...couldn't we ask to play through?" The host replied "No, we don't like to do that. Those guys are blind. They have a special pro who helps them line up shots, and our club lets them play free." The minister said "Why that's marvelous. What courage! I'll ask my congregation to pray for them...maybe we could get a miracle." The doctor said "Well, maybe I can beat that. I know an opthalmologist who's having good luck with some experimental surgeries...maybe he could help." The engineer scratched his chin for a moment and said "Couldn't they play at night?"

Whenever he asked for a photo, she’d make up an excuse. Whenever she asked for his, he’d do the same. Eventually, they agreed to meet at a park. She asked, “How will I recognize you?” He replied, “I’ll be sitting on a bench holding a red rose.” On his way there, he couldn’t find any red roses, so he bought a white one instead. He sat down and waited. A few minutes later, a woman started walking toward him with a big smile. As she got closer, his smile slowly disappeared. He looked around, then at the white rose in his hand, desperately trying to think of a way out. She stopped in front of him and asked: “Are you the guy from Discord?” He held up the flower and said: “Does this look red to you?”